Starting again....?

 It’s been....a while to say the least. As I’m sure it has been for most people, this year and a half has been up there with one of the most challenging times I’ve experienced. There has been so much that’s being going on mentally with what feels like absolutely every aspect of my life and honestly I feel so swamped. Over the years I’ve felt depressed, I’ve had my down days, I’ve had days where I’ve just cried in bed, but in these last few months depression really has just completely set in again. Everything looks really bleak and it’s hard to see how I’ll get out of it. I know once COVID is over and things are back to as normal as we can, things will feel better, but it’s hard to see the end of COVID at the moment. A lot of things probably wouldn’t even feel like they’re as overwhelming if I had my usual outlets (travelling) and if there was a bit of a future to look forward to. At the moment it kind of feels like everything is just going all a little wrong.

I’ve decided (again, for possibly the third time) to get my life together. I’m sick of hating myself, my job, my surroundings. I don’t even know where I’m beginning. I started a new self help book (one of many on my shelf) that is supposed to break down each part of your life month by month, slowly, over a year. One thing the book suggests is journaling and as much as I love writing I’m always afraid that it is too easily read and that it’s never truly personal and I can never be candid enough for a fear that someone will come across it. A blog however is completely secret, because who will ever find it unless shown? This seems more of a stream of consciousness, but I think I might start blogging along with this new Audit book whether it’s monthly or weekly maybe just as often and as long as I feel. 

I think I’ll start by explaining why I feel like I need guidance in this journey that probably seems so simple. I turned 30 this year, and I promised myself I would start having a life I love and stop hating myself. I’m sick of being unhappy, I hate to think of myself spending the next 30 years feeling the same way, what a waste of a short life! It’s been 3 months and I don’t feel like I’m any closer to any of that. Then again it has only been 3 months. And when I think about it, I’m wanting the right things but don’t know how to go about it, and that’s why I got the book. I’m at a place where I’m unsatisfied with my job, unsatisfied with my weight, my mental health, my outlook, my abilities and how I deal with relationships. Already, blogging things seems helpful because I can express exactly how I feel without burdening or boring the people in my life. As I write I can see not only a valid thought but I also seem to be able to sit back now and think “oh yeah…it’s not really like that” where as in my mind, thoughts get all jumbled in to one mess that feels like voices talking over each other, I can’t seem to see the wood for the trees. I get caught up in too much, I have too many thoughts and can’t focus on just one at a time making it difficult to sort through them and think rationally. A sense of dread and existential crisis creeps over me and I have to distract myself or I’ll spiral into a deep depression that no matter what I can’t pull myself out of until it’s daylight again.

i don’t know what to expect from this book. I have an awful habit of forgetting about things and although right now I’m in a “healthy body and mind” outlook, it’s happened before snd gone as quick as it’s come. I might have to set reminders for myself each month.

Hopefully tracking all of this will only help my journey to finally finding peace in my life. I can’t keep living thins way as they are. 

Laura x