Mental Health Mondays: I wasn't allowed to have depression

It's okay not to be okay, but it's important to get help. A lot of the time I feel very guilty about the fact I have depression. I have always hated having to tell anyone or mention it that I, in fact, suffer from it, simply I felt like that person would look at me and think I was lying about it. 

I feel like I get judged over my depression, because in reality I'm quite a happy person, I'm relatively positive and I enjoy laughing. A lot. Generally the words that get said to me when I do mention I have depression to someone are along the lines of "I never would have guessed it! You never seem it". I guess I'm pretty good at putting on a smile and trying to enjoy my time and myself. The truth is when I'm around others I don't let it show a lot of the time and I think it almost looks like I'm lying about it.

I don't have any major traumatic events that have happened in my life to trigger any of this either and that's actually why I felt like I wasn't allowed to have depression, no one ever said it to me that I can't have it. I know other people have it so much worse than me, some people can't bear to even try to smile, and I always felt that I shouldn't be depressed, I have a good life, great friends, an amazing boyfriend and I'm not struggling with money. That doesn't mean I don't have bad days though. There are still days, even weeks, where I can't bring myself to get out of bed, where I burst into fits of tears for no reason or I don't even care about if I've showered in a week. I have tears pouring out of my eyes some days and I'm not even crying, it's almost like I have too many tears and they're all just leaking out of me, spilling out over the seams. Those days or weeks are the reason I decided that I don't need to feel guilty about having depression.

There's nothing I can do about the fact that it's there, I can do something to keep it at bay and to make sure it's not frequent but I have no reason to feel guilty about it. I have it and I never asked for this, I would never choose these feelings, but I have them and all I can do is try and help myself. It took me a very long time to realise that, almost too long.

XO